Parenting a College Freshman
How to Survive Empty Nest Syndrome and Build an Adult Relationship
May 10, 2007
College students are pretty overwhelmed with homesickness and surviving their freshman year, but many are unaware of what a difficult transition this is for parents. Just like students, parents can be a jumble of mixed emotions: sadness over their baby leaving home, worry over campus drinking and sex, pride at their child's accomplishments, and perhaps relief over having a little more peace in the house.
College students have freshman orientation and guidebooks to help them cope, but where is the orientation session for parents? Mom and Dad get forgotten, and yet they have plenty of questions as well. What can parents do to help their children through this transition while allowing them the autonomy to be adults? How can parents help themselves through this emotional transition? Here are some ideas to help you out.
- Allow yourself to feel sad. Sending your child to college can feel a little bit like grieving. Children often don't understand how connected parents feel to them, and how much a parent's identity is tied up in a child. Like all grief, you need some time to come to terms with this, especially if you now have an empty nest.
- Don't feel guilty if you feel relieved. A teenager is a huge responsibility and source of headaches and stress. Relief over your teenager's departure doesn't make you an unloving parent. It makes you human.
- Find a good balance between connection and intrusion. Some college students call their parents every day, and others once a week. Figure out what works for you. Don't crowd your child with constant contact, but let him or her know that you want to stay connected and are available whenever you are needed.
- Stay out of academic issues. This is one way that college is different than high school. In the U.S., it's considered an invasion of privacy for college instructors to discuss a student's progress with you. This can be incredibly frustrating, especially if you are paying for college, but it's reality. You can offer guidance about coursework and help with homework, but your child is now fully responsible for his or her own educational success.
- If you are paying, let you child know what you expect. Will you cut off funding if your child's GPA drops below a certain point, or if he or she gets into serious trouble? You want to be careful not to use funding as a threat, but nonetheless, make it clear that you expect your money to be well spent. If you are paying for part of your child's education, communicate clearly about who pays for what.
- Communicate about alcohol. Binge drinking is a huge problem on college campuses. While preaching to your college age kid is unlikely to be effective, make sure they go off to college armed with an understanding of the dangers of excessive alcohol consumption.
- Communicate about visits home. When your child comes home for visits, what expectations and rules will there be? Here are some questions to think about for when your college student comes home.
- Find other activities to keep you busy. You probably have some more time on your hands, especially if you're an empty nester. Enjoy it!
Hang in there, Mom and Dad! Congratulations on raising a child who is now in college. This transition can be tough, but you can do it. You made it through the first day of kindergarten, right?
