College Roommate Conflicts

Negotiation Strategies for Your Dorm Room or Apartment Issues

Oct 31, 2007 Naomi Rockler-Gladen

Is your roommate driving you insane? Don't sweep the problem under the rug-- resolve it. Here are some helpful roommate negotiation techniques.

Having problems with your college roommate? You're not alone, as almost all students have problems at times with the people they live with. Unfortunately, this is a situation you're going to want to fix, as college life is plenty stressful enough without having to deal with conflict in your living quarters! Your dorm room or apartment should be a tranquil place to get away from the pressures of being a student, so if things aren't going well with the person you live with, it's worth your time to try to alleviate the conflict.

Here are some tips for patching up a conflict with your roommate.

Roommate contracts and etiquette

The best thing you can do is prevent problems before they get started. Roommates inevitably are going to fight about something, but you can try to minimize the level of conflict by communicating early on about what you expect from each other. One helpful strategy is to draw up a roommate contract at the beginning of the semester. In addition, you can avoid many conflicts by practicing some common sense roommate etiquette.

Roommate communication

If something is bothering you, don't just ignore the problem and hope it will go away. It probably won't, and soon you'll have a long list of complaints about your roommate that you've never communicated. Your roommate may be wondering why you seem so annoyed all the time because you've never articulated what's bothering you. Yes, confrontation is difficult. However, it's even more to difficult to live with someone you don't get along with, so take a deep breath and talk to your roommate.

Attack the conflict instead of the roommate

When voicing your grievances, focus on the problem, not the person. Attacking your roommate will cause further conflict between you, and chances are you won't get what you want.

RIGHT: "We obviously have different ideas about how clean this room should be. Can we try to compromise?"
WRONG: "You are one disgusting slob and I can't stand living with you in this pigpen!"

Validate your roommate's position

One great way to diffuse a conflict (and to get what you want) is to let your roommate know that you understand where he or she is coming from and offer sympathy. This may require some thought, as you need to be able to put yourself in his or her shoes. These kinds of statements can be very helpful:

"I know you have 20 credits this semester, so I understand that you don't have much time to clean the apartment. But can we try to compromise?"
"I know your boyfriend is very important to you, and he's a really nice guy! But can we reach a compromise about how many hours he spends in this room?"

Positive feedback

When you confront someone, it's very hard to keep the other person from feeling attacked. You can minimize this by saying nice things at the same time that you ask him or her to change an annoying habit. Try using statements such as these:

"You're a really considerate roommate, and I appreciate that you're quiet when I want to study! But do you think you could keep your side of the room neater?"
"It's really fun living with you!. But you know, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't have drunk friends over in the middle of the night."

Compromise, but stand your ground

To solve a conflict, you might have to compromise a little. However, if you compromise too much you risk being exploited. Figure out ahead of time what you absolutely must insist upon ("No guests after midnight because I have an early class") and what you can compromise about ("I'm willing to go to the library some of the time to study if you want to have your friends in the room").

Keep it to yourself

One thing that's guaranteed to make your conflict worse: talk about it with your mutual friends and acquaintances. Chances are this will get back to your roommate. If you live in a dorm, don't be shy about asking your residence assistant with help solving a conflict. However, try to resolve the situation by yourself first.

Consider moving out

This should be your last resort. Learning to deal with conflict is an important lesson, and moving out is a pain and might not even be feasible. But if the situation is really bad, it may be in both of your best interests to find a new living situation.

Good luck with your roommate conflict! For more helpful tips, check out this roommate survival guide.

The copyright of the article College Roommate Conflicts in Campus Life is owned by Naomi Rockler-Gladen. Permission to republish College Roommate Conflicts in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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